Why Your Crappy English Makes Me Stabby

Yes. I win ALL the time.

I’m known for my obsession with grammar & spelling, both in person & online. People in my Twitter feed often get pissed at me, telling me to get a hobby or simply to f-ck off.

You know what? I’m not going anywhere, people.

Lamest reason EVER for being single & lonely.

Here’s the thing: With the vast majority of you, the only way I know you is through Twitter, or maybe my Facebook page. My first impression of you is the way you spell & structure your sentences. Remember the old adage, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression”? Yeah, that applies here. If you type/tweet/post like a moron, chances are high that I’m going to think you’re a moron… If the majority of your interactions with people are via text/tweet/Facebook post, some of those people may judge you on your atrocious grammar, too.

You could say I’m an a$$hole, which I very well could be–but I’m not. I see these stupid errors that people make–an unnecessary apostrophe, using “to” instead of “too,” or yet another FOB asking to “make phraansheep” with me–and I find them rather excruciating. For the majority of us (excluding the FOBs), English is our primary (or only) language. Why, then, is it so hard to master? Perhaps it’s not a priority for you, which is understandable; after all, there are so many other things to be concerned with in our daily lives, like what nail polish color you should choose or if your car is as cool as everyone else’s.

If you can’t spell or master basic English grammar, please realize that people may (and probably will) judge you for it. How will you ever apply for a job with a cover letter customized to that position? What about a dating profile? In both of these situations, your writing is your first impression. Don’t screw it up.

This may be your best course of action.

I hope you think of me as you type out your next tweet or send a message on shaadi.com to that sweet honey you’ve been eyeing for the last couple days. Who knows? That sweet little honey could be me.

Make me proud. Don’t look like an idiot.

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WTF, America? Abbreviations that SUCK.

Right.

Brekkie = Breakfast

Jelly, Jeals = Jealous

Champers = Champagne

Presh = Precious

Hilare = Hilarious

Profesh = Professional

Obvi = Obviously

When the hell did this happen?? Seriously. Make. It. Stop. Is it so f-cking hard to pronounce that extra syllable, or wrap your mouth around pronouncing an ‘f’ or an ‘s’? Really, people?

We talk about how people in America are getting stupider. I find that the people who are most defensive of this concept often can’t spell, don’t understand the concept of grammar, and abbreviate words that really do not need abbreviating. Abbreviations are there for a reason, and should only be used if they are commonly used and known.

Sure, you can say & do whatever you want. Honestly. But realize that people will judge you, and perhaps stop listening to you altogether.

Step it up and learn English. After all, if you live in the States (or a country where English is the primary language), shouldn’t you be able to demonstrate mastery of the one language you’re required to learn? (I realize that some of these words may be commonly used in other countries. Leave them to those countries, will you please?)

If you decide you need to use any of these abbreviations anywhere in my immediate vicinity, please realize 2 things:

  • I will immediately lose respect for you.
  • My knife is easier to unsheathe than you think.

Don’t make me get my knife.

WTF, America?? Learn English!

Okay, people. I have HAD it with this particular mixup of words. Seriously.

Peek.

Peeking.

Peak.

Mountain Peak.

Pique.

The Dog's Interest? Piqued.

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary (online), the definitions of these words are as follows:

Peek (verb) :

a : to look furtively
b : to peer through a crack or hole or from a place of concealment —often used with in or out

Peak (noun):

1: a pointed or projecting part of a garment; especially : the visor of a cap or hat
2: a sharp or pointed end
a (1) : the top of a hill or mountain ending in a point (2) : a prominent mountain usually having a well-defined summitb : something resembling a mountain peak
a : the upper aftermost corner of a fore-and-aft sail   b : the narrow part of a ship’s bow or stern or the part of the hold in it
5: a : the highest level or greatest degree  b : a high point in a course of development especially as represented on a graph

Pique (verb) :

1: to arouse anger or resentment in : irritate <what piqueslinguistic conservatives — T. H. Middleton>
2  a : to excite or arouse especially by a provocation, challenge, or rebuff <sly remarks to pique their curiosity>  b : pride <he piques himself on his skill as a cook>

I am SICK AND TIRED of seeing people confuse these three words… CONSTANTLY. It’s not “sneak PEAK”, you moron… Unless you happen to be referring to a sneaky mountain or something. If you want people to be interested in a glimpse of your new product, service, boobs, etc., call it what it is: a sneak PEEK.

Don’t make me get my knife.

The Apostrophe… Is it REALLY Necessary?

As some of you may know, I want to eradicate the misuse of the apostrophe.

My Hero!

Seriously, people, when did you all get so stupid? When I get an email with the subject line “Thank’s”, I want to drive to see that person and beat them with a copy of Strunk & White.

An apostrophe is used to indicate possession or use it in a contraction… NOT to make a word plural, people. Get it straight. The Oatmeal apparently feels strongly about this issue as well.

It Says It All, So I Don't Have To

And another thing, people… If you are going use a contraction for “should have” or “could have”, it is “should’ve” or “would’ve”, not this bullshit “should of” and “could of” that I have been subjected to lately. By TEACHERS.  Seriously?! YOU are teaching the youth of this country? Well, we’re just f*cking doomed, now, aren’t we?

So keep this in mind, my lovely readers…

Thank you, and good night.

Things That Piss Me Off…

Stop. Just stop.

I hate it when people write, text, and/or tweet in ALL CAPS. Unless you’re trying to denote yelling, or trying to announce something (e.g., ‘I’M DEAD!’; ‘I LEFT MY HUSBAND!’) there is really no need for it, beyond emphasizing a word or two.

And for those of you who say ‘Whatever. I can do what I want, and it’s not my problem if you think I’m yelling’–take note: when you use CAPS LOCK through all of your correspondence, it is perceived as YELLING. And while it may not bother YOU, it may just bother your street cred.

BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK YOU ARE A MORON.