Incomplete… (Part II)

No One Ever Marries the ‘Fun Girl.’

Years ago, in my carefree 20s, I dated a really great guy for a while–he was smart, cute, funny, and we had fantastic chemistry. We met for cocktails one evening after work, and we talked, we laughed, we flirted… He took my hand in his and looked into my eyes. I remember my heart beating a little faster, & my breath caught in the intensity of his gaze.

“God, I always have so much fun with you, even when we’re just hanging out, doing something lame, like laundry, or going to the grocery store. You’re so great!” I smiled, maybe even blushed a little. His smile faltered. “It’s just… I’m looking for something a little more serious. I want to settle down, you know?” My eyes widened. What’s going on?

“No one ever marries the ‘fun girl.’ I mean, you’re great, but… I need to be with someone more serious.” He signaled for the check. “It just can’t be this easy all the time. I really like you, but…” He trailed off, and never finished the sentence. I stared at him with my mouth hanging open. He signed the bill and sighed. “I’m… I’m sorry.” He patted my hand, got up, and kissed the top of my head before he walked away. I turned and watched him walk away, my mouth still hanging open.

The bartender caught my eye, and wordlessly, fixed me the strongest shot I’ve ever had. I slammed it, flashed a watery smile at him, and walked out. I hurt, but my heart began to harden, just a little.

No One Ever Marries the ‘Fun Girl.’

Really? Why not? I don’t know the answer. Years ago, I determined that I needed to live my life in a way that makes me happy, and I have done my best to live up to that. I work hard, play hard, pay the bills, & save for retirement. I can’t wait around and live my life for someone else, someone who has yet to materialize.

I have met & dated a variety of guys, but it doesn’t last long. They’re happy to date me, be with me, be seen with me, but a long-term commitment? No.

I’m confused. I would like to be with someone who is intelligent, who challenges me, complements me, wants to be with me… and I want to have fun with that person as we work to build a life together, deal with the ups & downs as they happen. I won’t give up hope, but I also won’t put my life, my personality, on hold just to find someone to love me. He has to love me for who & what I am, just as I would for him.

You know what KILLS me? I have run into some of those guys who told me they couldn’t settle down with me, the ‘fun girl.’ They smile wryly, tell me they miss me, my personality… and proposition me. I don’t think so. You found the ‘serious’ girl of your dreams, go live your life, buddy.

Life isn’t all fun & games, but if you can find the joy in it and celebrate it when you can… it makes it all a lot easier to deal with, I think.

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16 comments on “Incomplete… (Part II)

  1. I think a lot of the phenomenon has to do with the dichotomy of being raised in an Indian household. Maybe I’m being stereotypical, but my experience was that things were either good or bad with no middle ground. You were either an obedient child (good) or a disobedient one (bad). You were either a student who brought home mostly A’s (good) or one who brought home anything worse (bad). As we grow up, of course we realize that things aren’t as simple as sorting everything into one box or another. But the idea that “fun girls can’t be serious” falls along those old modes of thinking. The place where I went to grad school had a few hundred Indian international students. Almost all of the guys (or at least the ones who were social and went to Happy Hours and the like) wanted to date fun girls. Seldom did any want to marry a fun girl because: 1) They didn’t think a fun girl was capable of settling down or 2) They were scared of what their mummies, daddies, grandparents, aunts, co-workers, third cousins, servants, co-workers’ third cousins and random strangers would think. Even for those raised in the US, those views are still somewhat prevalent…and there’s always some notion that you can’t be fun and serious.

    There’s another part too and that’s just plain insecurity. A lot of guys are insecure of their own level of “fun” experience relative to the girl. And that manifests itself into thinking that all fun girls are whores. So these insecure guys start wondering whether the girl will eventually cheat on them, because hey, all whores cheat. And they also have a great time dating fun girls, because it’s great to date a whore, but you wouldn’t want to marry one, because who wants a whore to raise their kids?

    It’s no surprise that these guys still proposition you- they’re the ones most likely to cheat, and even worse, they can justify it pretty easily in their own minds.

  2. knightleyemma says:

    Well, speaking as a “good girl,” it can be hella lonely/tough/confusing/etc. for US too out here! I’ve noticed that Caucasian guys DO marry both “good” and “fun” girls. Desi men seems to have baggage, esp. if they were raised “too strict” (whatever that means) or are just plain insecure. Live your life, girl!

  3. ladki says:

    I’ve actually had a guy say the same thing to me . . . “I want something more serious.” And as hurt as I was at the time, I think it was the best thing for me. He was 5 years older, I was 24, and at the time “fun” to me meant not labeling each other, and although I was committed to him, I wasn’t trying to move in with him and bring him around to family functions. He did want those things. So looking back, I think that although I was hurt and confused . . . . we had so much fun! Why wouldn’t any guy want that sort of fancy-free relationship? But that time off gave me time to mature, travel, go to grad school, live on my own, etc. We stayed friends on and off, and about 5 years later we ended up getting married.

    Whatever you do, don’t tone down your fun-ness. You want a dude who appreciates that!

  4. Asha says:

    This man is probably aiming to continue his “western values,” whilst retaining a “traditional girl” who will serve him, and probably be too afraid to question his patriarchal right to rule the home… Give me a break!

  5. Pete says:

    Ladies the problem is not with you…its with those “boys” you were dating…no balls!

  6. kera says:

    Yes the problem isn’t with you because at the end of the day we settle for most compatible not one who is labled “fun or serious”. It is a silly excuse. However, if you met few guys who used similar line, then you have to look at urself & ask why is attracting these guys to you & then leaving you?

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