Going The Distance…

Sometimes, that's just the way it is...

So… Last night was interesting. A Tweep (I’ll call her JB) posted an article about a couple that has made a long distance relationship work, & said something like ‘See? If you’re really committed, you can make it work.’

I don’t disagree, but I can say: Long distance relationships are HARD. They take a lot of work, and both parties have to be equally committed. I have been in two such relationships: one crashed & burned, and I really hurt someone I cared about, and the other… well, it stumbled into nothingness. I am no success story, though there are plenty of happy endings… and plenty of heartbreak. I have a lot of respect for those that can make it work!

Saying Goodbye SUCKS

One of my mouthy favorites, @XoXoSukanya, recently married her long-distance love, but was open about the challenges, as well as how they coped with the distance. She said that having an ‘expiration date’ to the amount of time they were apart helped immensely… as well as the handy-dandy remote vibrator that can be controlled with a webcam app. Damn, girl! Well, I certainly learned something there! @deepidhaliwal shared her success story as well: ‘Had one for 3 months befor unlimited calling plans.Phone bills in the 1000’s so decided  to live together & parents made us get married.’ Wow–they had a quickie wedding in Vegas 8 years ago (due to ‘punjabi parents flipped out about living together’) and have a son. Good for them!

One of my favorite couples on Twitter, @pareshg & @SmugAsTee, gave us a little insight into their thoughts on LDRs, too. Tee shared ‘Ours was a long distance relationship but while it’s great to be able to make it work, not a true indication. I would have wanted more chances for us to see each other in an everyday setting. Being together will be a challenge.’ as well as ‘I don’t think anybody disagrees on effort. All relationships require effort. But LDRs are a bit skewed.’ @RajaKalsi & his wife had an LDR for 9 years! He shared ‘there is no formula or secret, it has its ups and downs like any relationship, its up to the people involved to assess the cost vs reward, in our case the cost was worth the reward…’ Congrats–always great to hear the success stories!

I miss you...

Almost everyone agrees: long distance relationships are very difficult. As the illustrious @CurryBear tweeted to JB & me, ‘just cause there’s an exception doesn’t change the rule. Long distance is very difficult.’ & also stated ‘in LDR there are variables. Some will help & some will not. Trying is not enuff. Gotta take a few leaps of faith.’ @Darshy had an interesting point: ‘LDR statistically last longer, but as soon as both parties are in the same loc it ends rather quickly.’ Why do people do it? @Darshy piped up again: ‘I’ve had a LDR for 5 yrs, then ended 1yr after being in the same loc. But you do it – in hopes that it is *the one*.’ Isn’t that the truth?? @Kreative shared her view on LDRs, too: ‘only works if you are comfortable w/yourself & your life. The minute one of you make the other your world, there’s a problem.’ Another lovely, @Rossy1300 also shared her tales of heartbreak ‘HUGE failure. The fallout was devastating. It’s been 5 yrs since and i’m still wounded. I’d never do it again’, though throughout the 5 year endeavor, he made her ‘heartfluttery’, though ultimately, distance became their downfall.

Some key points to keep in mind if you’re in an LDR, according to my lovely Tweeps (I think these work for ‘local’ relationships, too):

  • @IndianGirl: ‘Commitment + trust – most needed. But keepin away from naggin & complainin helps lots. Need to remember it’s hard for both.’
  • @Darshy: ‘If they don’t *fit* w/ your friends, eh they probably don’t fit with you.’
  • @rossy1300: ‘Open communication, kindness, affection, commitment. But physical desires are there.’
  • @TheDailyHoney: (regarding physical intimacy) ‘its important but not crucial, cyber/sexting/webcam = winn :)’
  • @SmugAsTee: ‘Physical intimacy does not equal to sexual intercourse! It leads to it.’
  • @rossy1300: (in response to JB, who stated that, to make an LDR successful, one would have to ‘get over physical attraction’) ‘Physical desires for my partner aren’t something to get over! If i don’t want him, he’s not my partner.’
  • @thathoo: (Who actually stepped up & read through the conversation this time!) ‘i hear ya about the LDR… at the end of the day u need to ask urself if that person really worth it, sometimes s/he is’

I hope this shines a little light onto long-distance relationships and good luck to all of you that have to be apart from your loved ones. Know that we’re all cheering you on!

Are you or have you been in a long-distance relationship? Any words of advice?

P.S. I found myself accused of being jealous & disbelieving of long-distance relationships by JB, the person who started the thread, which, upon seeing numerous disrespectful tweets which were directed at me, but did not mention me, caused me to get harsh with her. I rarely disrespect or lose my temper with people, but I felt that I needed to set her straight. I hope she matures & realizes she does not know all, and, to learn, one must listen and have conversations as part of that process. Good luck, JB.

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3 comments on “Going The Distance…

  1. Mun says:

    Great post! My husband of 3 yrs and I had a LDR for a year and a half, I relocated closer to him and within 3 mons he went out of state for grad school, then I moved to a nearby state a month before him moving home 🙂 we just couldn’t stay in the same vicinity for all 4+ yrs of our relationship!! But as hard as it was, it was totally worth it! Especially when both parties are committed!

  2. Renu says:

    Interesting post!

    Perhaps you did this intentionally to only empathize your view and of those who agreed with you (it is your blog, after all!), but I think it would have been fair if you included (at least some of) JB’s tweets as quotes as well – just so readers can get a more complete view of the whole discussion that went on Twitter. I, for one, agreed with some points that JB had made.

    I believe LDRs CAN work but it’s all up to those involved to make it work. That NYT article mentioned that now there are so many e-tools to help keep LDRs going – which weren’t available years ago. And so yes – if you are committed, you can make it (or any type of relationship) work. Of course it’s not easy and the preferred way of running a relationship… =)

    • Renu,

      Thanks for your feedback. The reason I did not include JB’s tweets in this post was b/c I was unable to access them–I like to use direct quotes when possible to prevent bias. Since I would have to access JB’s tweets from memory, I didn’t think that was fair, so I didn’t include them.

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