Is ‘The Talk’ Necessary?

On Thursday, October 28th, I posed this to the Twitterverse: ‘Question: is it THAT hard to have the ‘exclusive’ talk when you are dating someone? If u’re f*cking, u should be able to talk to each other!’ I expected a few mouthy responses, maybe 10 at the most. No, no… this started a sh*tstorm over over 200 tweets! Whoa. I was NOT expecting that. Below, I will share some of the tweets that came my way that night… Do you agree or disagree?

I actually called my ex to find out how we had ‘The Talk’. He recalled that I told him that I “don’t share. If you want to do the nasty with someone else, then we’re not moving forward from here.” Which he respected & was happy to accommodate. And the rest is history, I suppose.

The first response (which I received within seconds of posting the tweet) was from none other than the fabulously unreserved @XoXoSukanya, who responded with this: “I agree 100% You’ll let him put his pee stick inside of you, but you can’t tell him how you feel.”

Later in the evening, I received a tweet from @DavidDennison, who tweeted, “I think the boundaries to the relationship should be clearly stated. Communication is always key.” I completely agree with his tweet.

Talk to each other!

@Jammabear came up with a good 6-tweet point: ‘The problem here is this most women need communication in a relationship to be able to continue in it, whereas men see ‘a talk’ as a red alarm, something they really don’t want to do. That’s why Steve Harvey (haha) in his book says that women should never say ‘We need to talk’… instead just throw it out there and hopefully you will get the point across and get your answer, i.e don’t make it so formal!’ Do you think @Jammabear/Steve Harvey have a point? Should you have a ‘sit-down’, or just throw it out there at some point? (Special thanks to @Jammabear for not utilizing TwitLonger, as I despise it!)

@NormTheMinotaur doesn’t believe that things need to be spelled out. He stuck with his initial point, which was this: “I’ve always found it unnecessary for that talk. I kinda just went ‘exclusive’ if seeing someone for a while”, and continued with “my point is, what’s the need in declaring ‘exclusivity’? I mean, shouldn’t the fact that you’re together be enough?” He further tweeted with “I don’t see what’s so hard about being with someone and just being with them and not having to state it.  my point is, it should already be understood. I’m not talking about someone you go out with once in a while, but if I’m seeing you pretty consistently for like 2 months, I would assume that we were exclusive.” What do you think? Do you agree with Norm, or do you need a more definitive discussion?

The lovely and married @gritsnyc stepped in and shared her thoughts. “Yeah, but that’s a pretty big talk. I mean, it took me 6 hrs of unexplained crying before I told S. I loved him the 1st time.’ In response to my question ‘Are you glad you had the talk?’, she said, “Well, I am now that we’re married! But to be so vulnerable if you’re not sure the other person feels the same – that’s scary.” I said “For me, I’d like to know where I stand, not find out otherwise a little while later.” She said, “Maybe. But then, I’ve never had a problem with where I stand. Without love, exclusivity isn’t my thing. I’m a weirdo, I know.” I don’t think she’s a weirdo, but is it ever easy to have the talk? Can you deal with being in that vulnerable position?

@Karaminder, who stated that he had been on both sides of ‘the talk’, responded with this: “You have that talk, you could scare him off for good too.” When I asked him if he would want to be w/ someone who would run away if you asked them to commit, he answered “Hey, at least they’re running off and not sticking with you and wasting your time. I’ve been on both ends of that.” Smart, in my opinion. But heart-breaking if they run away.

Another random Caucasian, @cwgalli, answered my query with this: ‘i never thought the exclusivity talk was all that tough– simple question with a simple answer: agree or disagree. done.’ While I disagree with his non-use of capitalization, I agree with his tweet.

The dashingly delicious (in a completely straight way) @MinnieGupta came back to my original query with this: “I prefer to tell him we’re exclusive rather than leaving it open for discussion, but that’s just me. #territorialscorpio” Smart cookie, no?

The always calm & wise @ChaiChatter responded with “Why even allow him to be an option? He’s not making you a priority as you are him.” Ain’t that the truth?

@Thathoo, who seemed lazy & unlike anyone I’d ever want to spend time with, came back with the FOB-esque & rather lame response of “what do u mean by exclusive talk?” When I told him to go back through his timeline and read, he tweeted, ‘too lazy to do so, TLDR (Too Long, Didn’t Read)’. If the dude can’t scroll back through his freakin’ timeline, he has no business being in someone else’s bed, don’t you think? No one likes a lazy lover.

So… what do you think? Should you have the commitment talk, or wait & see where things go?


6 comments on “Is ‘The Talk’ Necessary?

  1. Sahil says:

    Communication is the key, whether it is a dating type relationship, platonic friendship or even a parent-child relationship.

    Having been in both an exclusive and non-exclusive relationship all I would say is there are different kinds of people and if you like them you will respect their views and try to work around it. And if you, as the protagonist, see someone curbing their instinct for your desire of exclusivity, you’ve found your partner.

    If you cant “communicate” with each other you have no business to meddle in each others life.

    On the flipside, if you can trust the other person with how they will deal with Your heart, Your mind, Your feelings and Your emotions, you should also be able to trust them how they will deal with Their body and Their physical needs especially if its a long-distance relationship.

    If I trust someone enough to give them a piece of My heart and My feelings, I trust them enough to do whatever they want with Their body.

    Yes, the two are separate. Emotional connection leads to a physical connection but they are not intertwined. If you have the former you dont need to worry about the latter.

  2. reema says:

    I am always accused of having this talk “too early.” Here’s my take: I am a woman who knows what I want. And if a guy is threatened by that, there is no good reason I should be wanting anything from him. I won’t have “The Talk” on Day 2, but I need to know that I’m on the same page with someone before they get the best of me. Which being the aforementioned woman who knows what she wants, a pretty sweet deal.

  3. I think with us Asians girls are always accused of rushing things along. Guys forget that we have a clock ticking, and parental pressure etc for shaadi.
    So for some of us we don’t want to waste time. However, if you’re getting biblical with somebody I would like to assume that it’s safe to say you’re exclusive, unless he’s an idiot. But then have you as a female exercised good judgement is your selection?
    Asian dating/relationships/fishing expeditions/shaadi ke iraade are an absolute minefield.
    The most important thing in any relationship is communication, and if that is lacking then the whole thing needs to be re-examined and the person in question should ponder whether or not to progress.

  4. Amrita says:

    It’s so weird with my relationship with my husband. When we first starting dating (around 18) , we just nonchalantly talked about marriage, kids, career plans, etc. And then after that we got married once we both felt we were ready (in our mid 20’s). I never had to have a talk with him because although he was a flirt, when he got really serious with me he told his mom about me (we were 19 then) and the rest was history.. We’re 26 now and it still feels like we’re 19 at times. He’s my best friend and our relationship has never been that formal where I’ve had to sit down with him and talk about something. I found it weird actually that people have “talks” about stuff like this. I don’t know if I’m the only one ? *confused*

    • Well, it sounds like your experience is/was much different than those of us who don’t find someone worthy of marrying when we’re 19. Every person, every relationship is different–if you’re happy and content, then that’s all you should worry about, don’t you think?

      But if you’re out & about, dating/being intimate with different people, I think it’s important to communicate about things like this–to protect oneself both physically and emotionally.

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